Queen of Irony
by NamelessJerk
Summary: Rosalina decides that she doesn't want only to be an adoptive mother. The only problem is, she can't find a suitable father for her child. In an attempt to help, Peach points her in the direction of a good friend of hers who might be able to help her. R R


**Written because I don't think Rosalina is in enough fanfiction. And what's the best way to have more fanfiction of a Nintendo character? Have them do it with Link, of course! (I said more fanfiction. Not more good fanfiction.)**

"What am I trying to pull?" The thought dominated the mind of the Queen of the stars as she scanned Hyrule for the one she sought.

Rosalina had a goal that couldn't be reached without a man's help. However, in the entire galaxy, she'd only been able to find two suitable men. Neither one was exactly the picturesque vision of handsomeness she ideally desired, but she realized, good looks were a luxury she could live without in this quest.

But that wasn't the only obstacle. Both men had other problems that prevented them from suiting her needs.

The younger, more normal looking one was already in a relationship. She knew better then to take the lover of another woman, and she had neither the desire nor the patience to wait for them to fall apart, though she did have the time.

So she would've gone with the shorter, more freakishly proportioned one, but she soon discovered why he was still single at his age. Despite his unwavering courage in the face of Bowser, Kamek and the other assorted baddies of the Mushroom Kingdom, when presented with the company of a woman he's not related to, he becomes unable to say anything beyond one-word responses, stuttering and fidgeting.

When she lamented her dilemma to Princess Peach, a friend she'd recently made whose appearance was strikingly familiar, she recommended a good friend of hers from the neighbouring kingdom of Hyrule. She was told tales of a man who was beyond handsome, who was exceptionally kind and honourable, who had more female friends then male, and who would no doubt help Rosalina if she explained her problem to him.

She knew this was too good to be true. She expected this magical perfect man would turn out to be gay, or already have five other women he was doing this favour for, who would kill him when they found out about each other. She didn't have high hopes, but she beamed down to the hill where she found him napping in the shade of an old oak tree anyway.

Link was more than a little surprised to see her appear from nowhere. As he took in her features, he decided her sudden arrival was a good thing. The woman was quite beautiful in her flowing blue gown, though her shoulders must've been cold, and he did wonder if she was aware of how much of her ample breasts were visible above it. Ignoring her cleavage, she was quite elegant, holding her head high and walking with a proper gait. She had a soft face, illuminated by her bright sapphire eyes (Or eye, as it were, since her right eye was hidden by a fringe of her pale blonde hair.). He hadn't seen a woman this lovely since Midna left.

Rosalina, likewise, found him to be equally pleasant to gaze upon. Peach was hardly exaggerating in calling him 'beyond handsome', every feature of his face positively radiating warmth, his body looking to be equally capable of strength and gentleness. She was still banking on either a preference for males or multiple partners, but she now felt hope for neither to be the case.

"You are Link, correct?" she asked.

"Yes I am." he answered. "And you are..."

"Rosalina," she replied, wasting no breath on small talk and getting to the point as quickly as she could. "I have decided that I would like to bear a child but have had no luck finding a suitable father in the Mushroom Kingdom. Princess Peach tells me you can help me, and I don't doubt that you can..." She paused for a moment, blushing at the implications of telling a man she doesn't doubt he can sire her child, and then continuing. "The question is, will you?"

"Uuuhhh..." was all that came out at first. He then came up with something halfway coherent to say. "I don't mind telling you, this sort of thing isn't asked of me a lot." As he caught the words coming out of his mouth, he began to hastily correct himself "Well, actually, that's not entirely true. I do get this sort of thing asked of me often, but never _this_ sort of thing, which is to say, it usually comes up as, like, a social thing with one of the girls- Ah! Which is not, of course, to say, that I sleep around, err, sleep around with strangers, you could say I sleep around but it's always with the same women. Which is not to say I don't believe in monogamy or committed relationships, it's just that, well, I have a bunch of girls who I'm close friends with who have, on various occasions, casually asked me to do what... People do to have children, only leaving out the, uhh, conception part, but if-"

Unfortunately, he was cut off at this point by Rosalina placing a delicate finger to his lips to hush him.

"I don't require knowledge of your relationship history. I just need to know if you're currently available to copulate with me so that I might become a biological mother, rather than merely an adoptive one."

"... Uhh... Do you mean, like, right here, right now?" he inquired.

"Ideally." she responded immediately.

"I don't know..."

"If privacy is an issue, I can bring you up to my cosmic observatory where the only ones who could see us are the Lumas."

"Lumas? What're...? Never mind, no, privacy isn't the issue, aside from the postman, I'm the only one who ever ventures this far into the middle of nowhere."

"So what's the problem?"

"It's just..." he said, reaching for an explanation as he scratched the back of his head, apparently thinking the dirt between them would give it to him. "Like I said, while you could say I have casual sex, I don't do it with women I don't know. You seem like a very nice person, and I most certainly would love to help you, if I knew you better, but since I don't know you, and I'm not likely to see you or our child ever again once you're certain your pregnant, I just wouldn't feel right."

"I understand. You would rather we be familiar with each other before we so much as copulate, let alone conceive."

"Thank you, I appreciate your-"

"So we shall get to know each other better, and then may I have your child?" she asked, coiling her dainty fingers around his shoulders.

"Uuuhhh... Okay then, so what should we do fir-Mmmf!!" he was interrupted saying.

What interrupted him was his new friend suddenly bringing her lips to his own and swirling around the inside of his mouth with her tong as he spoke. He was about to ask her what in Din's name she was doing, stating that he thought they were going to get to know each other first, but every time she came up for air, by the time he'd realized it and inhaled to start talking, she would already have her mouth back on his and he'd be sucking in the sweet taste of her breath, all the coherent, rational thoughts in his head being disappearing into a vortex of pleasure, with but a single thought dominating his consciousness: _This feels great_.

He didn't realize that, in the youthful energy of their lust, he wound up with his back pressing into the oak tree. He didn't know how long they had been making out, all he knew was that this was the best, hottest sensation he'd ever felt, he didn't want it to stop, and if Rosalina's pleasured moans into his mouth meant anything, they meant she felt the same way.

By the time the fact that they'd stopped hit him, he noticed that he was sitting now, and she was knelt in front of him, pulling up the hem of his tunic with her gazed locked on his erection.

"What're you doing?" he asked.

"While I don't have any experience with this sort of contact, I'm given to understand that oral intercourse is considered the least personal form, correct?"

"I guess, but it's still-" He was, once again, cut off by her lack of hesitance as she freed his thirteen inches of manliness and began stroking it, barely able to fit her hand around it.

"Oh my, it's awfully big... You must be quite proud of it," she commented, looking up to meet his gaze as she slid the head through her full, ruby-red lips. When she reached the end of the head, she found she had to open her mouth even wider to get any further, and by the time she got to the base, she realized her jaw wouldn't last long enough to bring him to orgasm. Remembering something from one of the books in her library she kept hidden behind a shelf of fake books for fear the Lumas would find it, she pulled his cock out of her mouth and licked around as much it as she could, jerking it as she went, then pulled down her dress to release her breasts, her nipples now fully erect, and sandwiched Link's hot man-mast between them. She then began to pump up and down with them, finding the sight amusing.

"Does this feel good?" she asked. She took his lustful moans as a yes, so she pressed her tong into the center of the head, then slid it down and swirled it around, occasionally sucking, putting up with the taste because this would eventually allow her to bear a child by this man, children if she were lucky. And also because she was enjoying it, not that she would ever admit that.

Her efforts eventually bore fruit, as she noticed his twitches while sucking and was rewarded with a hot burst of sticky semen splashing onto her face, with a good bit of it dripping onto her breasts.

"Alright," she said, aware of the smile on her face, ashamed of it, but unable to shake it off. "that's that." She then remembered what Link was saying before she started making out with him "I'm sorry, you asked me what I'd like to do first, correct?"

"I... Think..." He answered, his head still spinning from the blow-job. "But you got started on that, so what do you want to do now?"

"I'd like for you to show me to the nearest lake or river so that I might bathe, please."

"Ah, good idea. Sorry, by the way."

"And after that, why don't you show me your home?"

"Okay then..." he agreed, walking her in the direction of the nearest spring. "Hey, I know this is probably a lousy time to ask, but... What did you want me to do, again?"

"I asked you to sire my child, and we agreed to get to know each other better before conceiving." She answered, putting her arms around his own.

"Right... Well, now I've got one more condition." he told her, thinking back.

"What is it?"

"My mother told me my father was a traveler with a big heart, like me. She told me how I look more like him every day. Whenever I helped someone, she'd tell me how proud he'd be if he could see me now. But I never knew my father, and I'm not sure if he's alive or dead, just that he didn't die with my mom. If you want me to make you a mom, I need to be a dad, a real dad, to our kid. I won't take no for an answer, understand?"

For a moment, Rosalina could only stare in awe. She mused to herself of the irony that she only came to this man as the last resort, and he turned out to be a grade-A candidate for fatherhood. Then she answered him, "If you're telling me I can't have your child until I have you as a husband, that's fine. If you'd gotten me pregnant accidentally during casual sex, I'd be demanding the same of you. Just know that I need to return to my observatory once I've given birth, so you'll have to come with me."

"That's fine," he said, pulling his now-fiancée closer for a hug. "if it meant I could be there for my kid, I'd literally go through Hell."

**Hope it was good for you. **


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